7. Disturbia — pretty much like I have said: it’s the vibes being given off for me! I remember people creating conspiracy theories about Rihanna shading Jesus Christ himself about him being “a thief in the night to come and grab you”. I guess that’s what’s said in The Holy Bible, isn’t it? He would return as a thief or something…
6. Rockstar 101 — I just can’t get enough of Slash and Rihanna’s work on this song. Like many other “Rated R” songs, I love the dark, sexual vibes Rihanna gives off on her music videos.
5. Same Ol’ Mistakes — despite not being quite famous, I love the melancholic vibes it gives off¹. Rihanna sings to me about something I most care about in a relationship: the couple evolving together. Being stuck with someone that doesn’t want to succeed in life is tiring. If we’re not supposed to evolve as one, then there’s no reason for me to accept being leeched by my partner.
4. Rude Boy — it was probably one of the songs I listened to the most back in 2009/2010. I just love the aesthetic of the music video, and “Rated R” is actually my favorite album of hers. This was the first time I paid attention to her music, thanks to TVZ, and I loved it.
3. Umbrella — I thought a lot before placing this song as my 3rd favorite Rihanna song. I mean, it surely is iconic and had me obsessed with it back in the 10s, but, besides having some Illuminati conspiracy theories about it, many of which have made me love “Umbrella” a lot more, I don’t see how I relate to it. It’s just one of those songs I’ll be craving listening to every now and then, just like that Mariah’s Xmas song.
2. S&M — once again, conspiracy theories about Rihanna joining the Illuminati and selling her soul to the Devil had me keen on listening to whatever she could come up with. She even addressed those rumors by placing a “Rihanna Princess of the Illuminati” news title on S&M’s music video. I got quickly addicted to it to the point it achieved the #1 position on my Most Listened Songs playlist (back in 2011). I can also say that there’s a great possibility that I’ve never listened to any other song as much as I did to S&M since then.
1. Love Without Tragedy/Mother Mary — S&M would’ve been placed #1, but it wouldn’t be fair to this song I unfortunately only got to listen to in 2017, when I began studying at UFRJ. I was kind of religiously amazed by the fact that I had just made it to UFRJ: I was going to study at the most prestigious Brazilian federal university. Just like while listening to Lana’s “Love”, I’ll always recall the joy I felt back to that time.
4. Tokio Hotel.
7. Forever Now — I’m clearly not doing this song right by placing it out of the top 5 since I’m keen on listening to both its German and English versions. However, unlike this one, I do have a story or a period of my life I can relate to the other songs, and that’s what I mainly took into consideration in the making of this list.
6. Ich Bin Nicht Ich — just like “Komm”, I find this song interesting both because its musicality and how it helps me learn German. I try to practice this language whenever I listen to this while having virtually no freaking idea of what this song’s about. I just live for it!
5. Darkside of the Sun — I remember being really crazy about Illuminati conspiracy theories, and this song fed me more with those silly thoughts, pretty much because of the part Bill sings the future had just begun. Both “Darkside of the Sun” & “World Behind My Wall” are TH’s songs I loved way before even knowing they were German.
4. Easy — this song’s from this band’s most recent album, so everything I used to relate them to has changed. “Easy” speaks to me in terms of going back to 2017, carelessly partying downtown with fake friends and fantasizing about dating my friend’s straight half-brother. It also reminds me of being so doped yet so hurt and wanting really bad to go back to an alleged better past.
3. Komm — “Komm” also takes me back to 2017, but in a different and more optimistic way. I only got to listen to this after I decided to take some German classes at CLAC/UFRJ. I still don’t know a single thing about umlauts, but I look forward to learning German ASAP, and part of this excitement is a result of tuning in German songs for years.
2. Monsoon — I can’t, I mustn’t and I won’t talk about this song without mentioning American Horror Story’s first season. All of that Tate x Violet love and drama, and the fear of succeeding at taking my own life, touched me deeply and in a very emotional moment of my life. Not only was I miserable at my professional life, I also had to deal with myself stuck in a relationship that only happened in my mind and which I couldn’t recover from. I wanted to end it all.
1. Don’t Jump — another song I relate to the time I watched AHS. Tate and Violet’s relationship, as well as my own perception of what true love was, affected me sharply. I was sort of addicted to feeling sad and day after day I mourned the end of a relationship that never happened elsewhere from my delusional thoughts. Thankfully, I released from that. One more thing: had @__izobel not expressed her love for this song, I would’ve never gotten so astonished by it. That’s why I believe so much in the power of incentive. For that, I’ll always be grateful to her.
10. Call Me When You’re Sober — this song brings me back to my childhood. This might’ve been my first connection with gothic² culture. I love this song’s music video and its theme. I used to be freaked out by the part the girls start rising in twirls helped by no ropes. Really mind blowing!
9. Tourniquet — I only got to listen to this back in 2017, when I had a friend of mine tell me to listen to “Fallen” entirely. It’s a special song for me since it seems Amy’s crying for a greater being’s (maybe God’s) help, otherwise she might end up taking her own life away (the way I wish I’d had been able to do so as to end my pain back in the day).
8. Taking Over Me — in my mind, this song, as well as “Tourniquet” and “My Last Breath”, are pretty similar, even though I love each one of them differently. “Taking Over Me” speaks to me in a sense of not ever getting rid of a past relationship, being stuck, unable to find anyone else because of that, and always asking for them to get back (knowing they won’t).
7. Farther Away — as usual, Amy Lee served vocals, and that’s not something we should forget about. I reckon the part she sings “and now I see what I really am — a thief, a whore and a liar” alone is better than whole discographies. I like this verse just because of its casual self-loathing energy.
6. Missing — if I’m not wrong, I remember listening to it day after day prior to the actual date of my dismissal. I felt so belittled and made a fool of… I hated every piece of my being just the way I hated them. I also kept thinking how my ex left me in the dark, ghosted me, without saying why he was going away. He didn’t give a heck. “Am I that unimportant?”, sings Amy. Pretty much like Roxxxy Andrews’ “No one cared!”. That’s right. No one cares. I hope you live a sweet life, you fucker!
5. The End of the Dream — this is utter perfection to me. Once again, Amy Lee feeds us with vocals, and we’re not tuning it in correctly if it ain’t on full blast. At this point (I’m talking about 2017–18), there’s only despair. I don’t know what’s ahead, nor would I be prepared for whatever even if I did know what was going to happen.
4. My Heart is Broken — this song’s title almost feels like a joke. It makes me reflect about whether I’m going to get through a past relationship (which wasn’t an actual relationship to being with). By the time I got addicted to this song, early-2017, I had already felt stuck by that so-called relationship for over two years, but it wasn’t getting any better. This song only made me feel worse, and I love it.
3. Imaginary — my mind tricked me to the point I’m nowhere other than the reign of wonder and imagination that only exists in my head. I do that all the time. I dissociate a lot. But it doesn’t seem very healthy for one to get in their head this usual. It’s like I refuse to believe in what I don’t like. I don’t even know whether I could relate this song to a bad moment of my life, cause I do love being delusional and keep a sense of nothingness.
2. My Immortal — in my eyes, one of the saddest songs of all time. It’s solely given to that Virgo partner I’ve been talking about every now and then. If Maroon 5’s “Lost Stars” can be given to our best moments, then “My Immortal” shall be the one to fill the memory of the worst ones. I’ll never forget the time we “broke up”. I was on my way to UERJ, grizzling on the bus, trying to fix the situation despite knowing he’d had enough of me already.
1. Everybody’s Fool — I just love this song’s theme. I love even more that the person who suggested me this is the biggest lies seller I’ve ever known. Never have I met such hypocritical person. How come he doesn’t get lost in his lies? He was the one to managed to fire me despite us being friends. As soon as I decided I’d quit putting up with his BS, I was asked to go. Another one that I wish nothing but a peaceful life, cause his mind’s already fucked up enough.
10. FROOT — FROOT was the first MARINA song I got keen on. I might’ve listened to Lies and Teen Idle prior to FROOT itself, but this song’s the one I’d pick out if anyone asked me which Marina’s signature song is. I found it online, maybe while scrolling down my Facebook page. I got legitimately amazed by her voice. The chorus is my favorite part due to both the meaning it carries along and Marina’s deep voice at this point. FROOT (the album) is also my favorite out of the five albums she’s released so far.
9. Handmade Heaven — I picked this one out because it helped me go through the hectic year of 2019. I was going through a lot at that time, and Handmade Heaven filled me with such good feeling and some sort of certainty that all my problems would be, in no time, worked out. Despite the fact that I was used to filling myself up with negative feelings whenever I’d catch a glimpse of my future, this song truly had me succeeding from a toxic state of mind, and now I feel I don’t look and think like I used to whatsoever.
8. Savages — first of all, #justice4savages. This is one of the most thoughtful and enjoyable songs I’ve ever listened to. Marina was quite shrewd when she wrote this masterpiece. She went in against patriarchy and the hypocrisy of those who hide their true selves behind their faith. It’s definitely one of Marina’s songs I’m most fond of, and it strikes me as odd that it doesn’t quite have the recognition it deserves.
7. I’m Not Hungry Anymore — I’d be lying if I said I’ve listened to it — who would’ve been able to do it, since it’s an unreleased song, am I right? But nevertheless, this song’s one of my favorites not only because it’s got clever ass lyrics but also cause it speaks volumes to me when it says “now that all my dreams are dead and gone, there’s no rush anymore”. It’s sort of related to me consistently failing in buying a MacBook (FFS!), but it actually carries a much deeper meaning underneath. My desire in succeeding on this task’s the one that fade away, and because of that I don’t feel like hurrying up anymore. I’ve had enough of chasing after things that just can’t be mine.
6. Karma — I truly do get a kick out of listening to Karma. Together with Handmade Heaven, but with quite the opposite impact in my life, this song meant a lot to me throughout the time I attempted to be a Roche employee (and also during the recovering process). I realized I was undeserving of that opportunity, and it may have been the reason why I didn’t make it. It was up to me and myself only to make things happen, so if it didn’t work out, it might’ve been due to a certain aspect of mine I had to improve or get rid of. Or it was just not meant to be.
5. Living Dead — I describe this song as an ode to suicide. I remember it, as well as ‘Valley of the Dolls’ and ‘Are You Satisfied’, used to be on my top 3 favorite songs, all of which made me question my very existence back in 2017. What dark times were those… I had a job and some money, but everything else in my life was just too fucked up to be kept that way. I was just too sad over the fact that I was 21 already and hadn’t lived the life I’d foreseen. That, allied to AYS’s lyrics about it being Marina’s problem that she had no friends and felt like she wanted to die, was powerful enough to toughen me up to who I am today.
4. Oh No! — I find this song lovely pretty much because the character Marina presented here is just as delusional as I am whenever I say I want to buy a MacBook. Buying the product itself isn’t the problem, but feeling like I’m going to be successful and/or worthy because of that is definitely something to laugh about. I believe I do that a lot in my life. I love living in a whole different reality and to pretend real life doesn’t exist for a bit. Do you not do that? How do you manage to deal with real life all the time without being an alcoholic or a drug addict by now?
3. Forget — this song is quite related to the last two. I believe I’ll thrive in life if I understand that I should forgive others for the mistakes they might have made, but I shall NEVER forget what they have done. This post was meant to be written in 2019 — that’s why Ancient Dreams’s songs haven’t been picked out –, but I’d have to say that this feeling has just proved itself right since then. I shan’t ever forget what my enemies have done to me, otherwise I’ll end up letting them in again. At the same time, ‘Forget’ gives me really good vibes, such as thinking as long as I leave bad memories behind, only the good ones will be waiting for me in the future to come.
2. Fear & Loathing — I’ve got very deep emotions towards this song. Similarly to ‘Forget’, ‘Fear and Loathing’ tells me it’s time to get over the things that held me back from evolving all along. It’s about feeling the way I described when I talked about Aizen Sousuke. It’s about being transcendental. I do want to touch the edge of greatness. Never will I be able to explain how powerful this song, as well as the other 3 before and the next one to come, was to me at my worst. I also love the part it says not everyone is out there to screw you over. Too real, LOL. Can’t even count the number of people I would’ve been friends with if I hadn’t kept them away due to my inability to share a friendly, welcoming energy.
1. Immortal — once again I must admit that becoming a transcendental being is something that I wish I’d be able to achieve. But ‘Immortal’ is just absurdly amazing. Can’t even explain the mixed emotions I feel when Marina sings about chasing after time. It’s just surreal! Again, I hate on myself for not having written about this song earlier. I wish I’d been able to write this 2 years earlier so that I’d have told you all about the way I used to feel back in the day. My favorite part is when Marina sings that it’s not enough to live out a lucky life. It makes me miserably think about a past that will never be brought back, the people that are far gone in my life.
1. Lana Del Rey.
10. Cinnamon Girl — even if this song’s title wasn’t “Cinnamon Girl”, you’d feel how sweet it is just because of the way Lana sings it. I got really emotional when I first listened to it, pretty much cause this masterpiece brought me back to the time I used to watch “Da Cor do Pecado”, a Brazilian soap opera I’m really fond of. I’m able to see Lençóis Maranhenses National Park while listening to “CG” knowing damn well they have absolutely no connection. It might be due to an endless need of mine to revisit the good things in my past.
9. Young & Beautiful — I might’ve said this here a couple times, but I’ll never be able to forget when I first fell in love with Y&B. Jullyana Teixeira allowed me to tune it in on her brand new iPhone, and I got freaking amazed with its bass — I love songs with that feature largely used. It also amazes me because it brings me back to the golden months I’d spend with her and some other friends (even the motherfucker I talk about every now and then) at Uerj — old times that won’t ever be fully forgotten.
8. Love — if “Y&B” is a 2015 song to me, then “Love” shall definitely be given to 2017, when I first joined UFRJ. I was living my best life because I finally got to study at the Federal University of Rio de Janeiro. I’ve always thought I’d only be successful if I ever got to be there, and it seemed I was finally living my dream. Little did I know that, due to financial problems, I wasn’t going to last not even a month. However, that dreamy feeling of joy and the ability to enjoy the amazing people around me (like the precious Matheus Leite) made me fall in love with that moment God allowed me to experience.
7. Heroin — this song is an ode to drug addiction. In spite of not having done drugs nor being actually someone who’d have the guts to do so, I find it such a marvelous song due to its ability of making me feel numb. Whenever I listen to this, I recall the tough times I used to work at CMJ, when I’d suffer from migraines day after day in an endless penitence. The large number of pills I’d take to keep the pain away was the only thing which helped me make it to the end of the day.
6. Born to Die — “Born to Die” is the 2nd Lana Del Rey song I’ve listened to. I remember being obsessed with its music video when I first watched it back in 2015. Since this post was meant to be written in 2019, I can’t really recall why I pick this song out other than thinking I was meant to be lonely from the day I was born. It seems I’ll never live a romance like other people do, unless it’s just the way it’s featured in this song’s music video. I love to listen to it whenever I feel emotionally hurt and lonely on a Friday night — almost everyday.
5. Freak — “Heroin” and “Freak” impacted me similarly. The incessant need of moving on is present here, too. I also felt sort of numb while listening to “Freak” just the way I did while listening to that one. The difference between the two of them might only be due to when I got to listen to each song. I do feel like I’m high on heavy drugs while tuning it in. It’s just as if I were drowning in my shapeless thoughts, not really able to recognize what’s true and what’s not. This feeling only intensifies as the song goes on and it achieves its highest point in the moment of the transition to “Art Deco”.
4. 13 Beaches — needless to say that this is one of the most powerful songs Lana has ever given birth to. This is sheer poetry. This song’s chorus says it all when she explains that it hurts to love her man, but she still does that anyway. That’s just the way I used to feel towards the man I loved. In spite of him being a fucker and undeserving of my love and affection, I still wanted him. I couldn’t bear dealing with the fact that he wasn’t by my side yet. Even if there’d been someone to fill the hole he left in my heart, I’d still choose him above all others.
3. Art Deco — to me, this song is the 2nd part of “Freak”. In my opinion, it’s a crime not to listen to both of them on sequence. The transition from one song to the other is sheer perfection. “Art Deco” reminds me of the nights I’d enjoy with some crazy ass friends that are no longer here. Those were nights of pure haze, not ever allowing myself to be sober enough to hold myself accountable for the things I’d do while drunk on vodka the following day. I loved being friends with this particular guy from CMJ, but thank God our time together has come to an end.
2. Ride — if you asked me to talk about how this song’s changed my life, I’d spend a whole day or two. Both the song & its music video are too perfect for me to even realize the power they have upon me. This song’s music video has a prologue that had me speechless. In addition to that, several parts of the song are quite relatable. From 2016 to 2018 (maybe even after that), this song ruled my life. I definitely got to the “nomadic point of madness” Lana talks about in the prologue. Countless were the nights I’ve spent crying myself to sleep while listening to “Ride” and after overthinking about how pointless my very existence has been all my life. I have been feeling this way again in 2021, but I reckon myself to be mature enough to keep those thoughts away while I need to keep track of my life. Hope I continue to do so.
1. Summertime Sadness — “SS” beat “Ride” as my favorite Lana Del Rey song due to: 1) being the first Lana song I’ve ever listened to & 2) recurring in being relatable to the shit that happens in my life every once in a while. I was with my niece in the afternoon I made a joke about how boring Lana was. I told her to tune “SS” in. After she did so, I felt that that song wasn’t boring at all. Little did I know I was a step away from falling in love with that artist. I can’t really recall the meaning it had in my life back in 2015, but it has been brought back by my subconscious mind later on, and it feels right that I keep track of it up to this day. The most powerful part of the song, in my opinion, is when Lana sings she’ll miss the love of her life forever like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky. It’s so beautifully written and yet so relatable. It seems I’ll never get over the end of the 3-month relationship I had with that boy from Uerj. I believe I’m finally moving on at last. I hope so.
5. Rihanna. January 10th, 2021.
4. Tokio Hotel. April 2nd, 2021.
3. Evanescence I. April 15th, 2021.
3. Evanescence II. October 2nd, 2021.
2. MARINA I. October 24th, 2021.
2. MARINA II. November 15th, 2021.
1. Lana Del Rey I. December 12th, 2021.
1. Lana Del Rey II. December 12th, 2021.
- I might have learned this phrasal verb at the very time I was writing that Rihanna post. Third time using it is already too much for me!
- "with gothic culture" or "with the gothic culture"? I chose to keep the former.
– Tria. March 1st, 2022.