Since I wrote that text about living in pernicious environments, I was crazy about redeeming myself for whatever negativity I may have spread. I’ll try to be rather positive now.
I hooked up with this one guy back in 2015. He left me with no explanation at all, and I got thinking about what I must’ve done that led him to make that decision. Since then, I’ve been feeling like I’m either unable to give and receive love and that I don’t really fit in with anyone or a horrible person who did something really wrong and now I’m paying for it. I’ve spent YEARS considering the 2nd option, but to that person, I gave my best.
Also, when I got fired, I served the “what did I do?” behavior, cause I didn’t really know what could’ve made me be replaced. I spent months in tears thinking not only am I unable to do things properly at my current job, but I’m also unable to be hired for another one. I’ll never believe I got fired for the reasons they said to me or that I’m not sickening while doing my job. I’m not delusional. I know I’m doing no good when I’m not. But in that moment, their explanations came across shady¹.
There’s also school. My classmates were always shady about my performance and my teachers would always call me out for my laziness. I don’t blame them. I would usually spend twice more time than everyone to do the things they asked us and still not do them 100% correctly. After reproving² a semester and slowing down just a bit, I could at last notice that I was doing too many things at once to do any of them properly.
I took months to get rid of each one of those feelings of self-hatred and lack of self-esteem. Yet again, I got to quote Bleach to help you realize that maybe the fastest way to stop hating yourself is to start paying attention on who’s giving you those bad feelings and why, keeping yourself away from them and then taking as much time as you think you’ll need to restore your mental health. That’s what worked for me.
Remember that the hate is always something that comes from the outside. You’ve learned how to hate yourself, so you must learn how to love yourself on the same level.
– Tria. December 22nd, 2019.
- I somehow found a way of talking about this again. I am sorry!
- After "failing" looks better.
– Tria. February 19th, 2022.
