Even though I’ve gotten through this traumatic moment of my life, I believe that it’s important for me to open up about something that almost took my life away.
I mean that when I say I’ve truly succeeded from those bad vibes. Later on, I’ll be telling you I found a job that helped me getting rid of feeling I was a failure. I am now grateful I was fired back in 2018, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to be at a much safer workplace.
To start off with, I’ll stand by what I’ve said previously — firing me for their reasons was utter absurd. I’m not even being delusional. I agree that I might’ve been, at some point, uninterested in the work done there (which is a pretty fine response for someone who’s been talked behind their back for too long), but even the woman who sent me home said it was unnecessary and unfair.
She was right about me not wanting to be there anymore. I could no more put up with their presence. I’d¹ no complaints towards the activities themselves, but I was just over it when it came down to dealing with my coworkers.
Nonetheless, it really hit me hard when I received my dismissal letter. I had actually bittersweet feelings towards it — even though I achieved what I’d been craving the most, which was leaving that place, I wasn’t comfortable with the fact that I was going to be unemployed and have no money at all in few months (something that’d also led me to drop out of my English course, which I was in charge of paying).
II — The Ambush.
At the end, it all came down to what I had predicted — I lost my job. I was belittled. I was made fun of. And I had to leave my English course and stop doing the very (and probably only) thing I really got a kick out of at that time.
However, I took things for granted because I had an interview for a position at P&G. Silly me! Not only had I just lost my job, I got pranked by this company’s HR department. Long story short, they decided to play the shady game by setting up interviews knowing they had no intention of hiring any of the candidates.
I think we all can agree that’s messed up. I wasted hundreds of reais trying to get there for nothing. I’ll be glad if I never have to go there again.
III — The Downfall.
By April, 2019, not only was I in the red, I ran out of my unemployment insurance, had already been unpleasantly gifted with a good-for-nothing construction, collected construction materials that were not going to be used nor sold and got psychologically deranged after a bunch of “No!”s I’d received in the previous months.
Then, I applied for a position at Roche, the pharmaceutical company. Despite all the things that’d been happening, I got really happy with the opportunity to work specifically there. I knew it’d not be prosperous since the company had already announced it’d end its activities in five years. Nevertheless, I put all my energy into succeeding at what I was about to plead.
In my mind, I was like RPDR’s Jinkx Monsoon. Despite being belittled and made fun of (just like I was at my trade school), I believed I stood a chance of “winning” upon the other “contestants”. I truly did². However, up to this day I’m unable to realize what went wrong. I ended up not getting the job. I felt like literal shit. Just like Voldemort chasing after the Elder Wand, I couldn’t help but emphasize how important getting that job was. It, then, looked to me as though some things weren’t meant to be ours, no matter what we do to get them.
Rarely had I felt so disheartened to when I received the call telling me I hadn’t made it (I made it as far as the “Top 3”). It took me months to finally concede I didn’t fit best with the position, and that that didn’t really mean I was unworthy of getting the best opportunities.
IV — The Aftershock.
Basically, I took it all for granted. I rushed things. I messed it all up. After that, I kept a strange state of mind. In August, 2019, I unwillingly applied for a position for three different companies: CEDAE, Piraquê & Firjan.
Although I had the urgent need to get them coins to help my mother with the bills, I didn’t quite put all my efforts this time around. I was still upset with the missed opportunity and wasn’t mature enough to get rid of that quickly and softly. Thankfully, I “lost” the chance of working at the first two companies to talented colleagues of mine (in fact, I told my friend the only one who could grasp my place at CEDAE was him, and he ended up doing that indeed!).
The last job interview was horrible. I hated the whole experience. There was some sort of hate between me and the interviewer. I knew I wasn’t going to make it and was glad for that — I wouldn’t go far working with someone like that boy. As tired as I was at that point, I didn’t even bother making shit up. Just asked to finish the interview and went home.
Despite sharing only the negative things that happened to me during this period of mid 2019, I do believe I made the right choice in terms of stepping back and waiting for the best opportunity. In spite of the great majority of the people around me not seeing eye-to-eye with what I was doing, I stood by what I believed to be true. Later, I proved it to be a right move on my part.
V — The Recovering Process.
In the previous two posts (four chapters), I shared the adventures I had to go thru throughout the time I was unemployed. In the second part (Chapters III & IV) of these three posts, I firstly told you all about the delusion pill I took that had me arrogantly thinking that, out of the three contestants for the job, I was the fittest. After that, I got immersed into deep self-sabotage, pretty much in the sense that, even though I may have been able to make it and get any position I was applying for, I didn’t care as much as I did when it was Roche’s turn.
I wasted almost four entire months overthinking and getting sadder and sadder as I’d let opportunities pass by. It wasn’t until a colleague’s speech at IFRJ (the trade school I used to study at), that I felt ready again. I just loved the way she confirmed what I’d been thinking — I had already enough technical knowledge to make that happen; however, I lacked guile (my General Chemistry teacher told us we had to work on it in order to succeed at anything, but I didn’t listen to him). By that point, I knew some of the given advice, but her saying those attributes played an important role in terms of picking out a new intern made me get excited again.
VI — The Rubber Dream.
Coincidentally, I applied for a position at the very company she works at — ARLANXEO. At the same time, I took some tests to get into Braskem, but I wasn’t really sure I’d succeed — specially since I’d already flunked those tests. And so it happened again. In spite of having been bitter about it back in the day, I honestly couldn’t cry over the spilled milk because no sooner I knew I didn’t pass those tests, than I got a call from ARLANXEO’s HR department saying that they wanted me there for an open interview (the one with all the candidates).
Immediately, I taught myself, despite everything that had happened, to uphold the level I did on my very first interview at Roche. I was very charismatic and ready to show that I’m easy to work with. That’s what I’d presented the first time, and I succeeded. Surely it’d work out again. And so it did!
Later on, I got a new call inviting me for the interviews with the managers. I got super excited cause not only I was just about to work for such a good, international company, but also I was in front of the very situation I messed up the first time. Back then, I may have made up quite a chauvinistic jerk, so no wonder I wasn’t picked out. This time around, I gave Cristina³ the correct answer, after she asked “what’s more important: being productive or caring about safety measures?”. Of course, it’s the latter. The company ostensibly talks about it, so I wonder how much of a dumb f%cker I would’ve been if I hadn’t kept an answer among those lines…
Three days later, I got a third call telling me I’d been chosen as one of the interns for the 2020 group. During the time I worked there, I was able to build up again the confidence I’d lost (specially after being fired in 2018). I saw I’m just as worthy as I believed to be. I just didn’t quite have⁴ the chance to work with people who care about your growth as a professional and as a person as I did this time around. Moreover, I’ll never be able to express how grateful I am for not being fired when I needed most. If I am where I am today, it’s surely⁵ due to my bosses’ support.
Now I praise I flunked my attempt to join Roche. It got me thinking, “Thank God, I didn’t make it back in the day… I would’ve been fired by the beginning of the pandemic!”. God’s timing will always be right, so quit trying to force shit up.
See you in the Epilogue.
– Tria. Part I: Chapters I & II. April 15th, 2021.
– Tria. Part II: Chapters III & IV. October 2nd, 2021.
– Tria. Part III: Chapters V & VI. October 24th, 2021.
- It means "I had".
- I mean, I truly believed.
- Cristina is one of the interviewers who happened to be one of my bosses after I started working there. It might be obvious, but I still want to clarify it in case you get confused thinking who the hell she is.
- "I didn't quite have" or "I hadn’t quite had"? Quite confusing to me. I am led to believe the latter is the correct one.
– Tria. February 20th, 2022.
