Why don’t I fit in the society?

I’ve always wondered about it.

In 13 Beaches’s intro, the speaker¹ says:

“I don’t belong in the world
But that’s what it is
Something separates me from other people
Everywhere I turn
There’s something blocking my escape”.

That’s how I see myself. Dissociated from the rest of the world. Dissociated from the kind of warm, happy and joyful behavior people from my country have. I don’t even feel like getting touched! I definitely don’t get how hard they try to keep others around or why it’s even necessary.

Another thing I don’t understand is what’s the point of bullshitting just to look sociable or interactive. Of course if you want to talk to me about shows, series, songs or anything else I enjoy, I’ll reply for sure. But why is it expected for me to talk subjects I either don’t like or don’t know how to respond? Most of the time, I think people should enjoy the power of the silence². If you don’t really have anything to say, just remain quiet. I wish this kind of behavior weren’t considered a bad, unfriendly one.

I also feel disconnected to other people’s kind of volatile feelings. People can spread hate to others to then suddenly forget about their differences when it’s convenient. That’s unacceptable, LOL. I see this happening a lot at home, at work; anywhere. I’d rather avoid hating on others to have to apologize for the hatred I’ve spread the day after.

To sum it up, I don’t really feel the joy other people do when their soccer team wins the championship or when they say they have to party cause life is too short. I don’t know whether I’ll ever be able to take it easy. Maybe that is what holds me back from finding someone new and forgetting about toxic relationships from the past.

I hope I either change my mind as I get older or I get on an aeroplane destined for a foreign land³ to never go back. It’s just that I don’t recognize these people and I don’t fit in here any longer. Maybe I never did.

Tria. December 23rd, 2019.

Tria. February 19th, 2022.

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Tria

Tria is currently 26 years old. They are studying Chemical Engineering and have just joined their country’s Navy forces. 🇧🇷 & 🇺🇸